By Pam Moore 

My five-year-old daughter and I tend to get into major power struggles in the morning. I make her the “wrong” breakfast. She wails like I’m torturing her as I attempt to brush her tangled curls. We are running late (again) but I take a minute to lock the bathroom door, turn the vent on, and cry. Why is this so hard? What am I doing wrong?

According to experts, my error is obvious. I’ve forgotten to start the day with connection. Instead of “making a deposit” in my child’s bank—in the form of cuddles, reading to her, or even asking how she slept, I’ve attempted to make a number of “withdrawals.” I’ve forgotten that my daughter’s brain is just not wired to accommodate that. As Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain in their groundbreaking book The Whole-Brain Child (Random House, 2012), not only are the structures of a child’s brain still forming, so are the pathways connecting them. The connections between the various parts of the brain are what allow adults to function like adults. You can credit those connections every time you use logic to push through fear, or hold your tongue in a meeting with your boss.

On the other hand, when you’re wondering why your kid loses his mind when you cut his carrots into slices instead of matchsticks, much of it has to do with the fact that his brain is still immature. Though it takes at least 20 years for the brain to fully develop, there are steps parents can take to make life more bearable in the meantime.

According to Siegel’s concept of interpersonal neurobiology, secure attachments in childhood facilitate the brain’s ability to function as an integrated system. In other words, focusing on the relationship with your child, rather than all of the tasks she must complete, will not only make your mornings easier, but it will also promote your child’s optimal brain development in the long run. One of the key takeaways from The Whole Brain Child is that it’s crucial to connect with your child on an emotional level before trying to reason with him. The best way to help a kid through a tantrum is to first hug him or offer some other non-verbal sign of affection, like a loving, concerned look, a gentle pat on the arm, or a squeeze of his hand, and talk to him after.

Only after the child has calmed down enough to engage in conversation or to quietly listen, can he actually absorb anything you’re saying. According to Siegel and Payne Bryson, pausing to establish a connection serves a dual purpose. First, it strengthens the bond between you and your child, connecting you to each other. Second, this connection facilitates the building of connections between the distinct areas of the child’s brain. Parents find taking a moment to connect can circumvent much morning stress.

Clinical psychologist and parenting expert Laura Markham, PhD, recommends snuggling with your kiddo for five minutes as they wake up. If five minutes of snuggling feels unreasonable, try two minutes, or even one. If snuggling in bed as your child rouses doesn’t fit with your routine, try something that does. It could be reading together, scratching her back, or simply holding her hand and making eye contact as you say good morning. 

One friend said that even if she’s already dressed, she gets back into bed with her son as soon as he’s up and spends a minute or two doing a simple gratitude ritual with him, where they say a couple things they’re thankful for. Whatever way you choose to connect with your child, make sure it’s part of your morning routine. According to parent educator Kelly Pfeiffer, routines and connection work best when they’re used together. She suggests parents begin the day with some form of connection (i.e. two minutes of snuggle time) and intersperse other forms of connection throughout the morning, such as creating a silly morning song together, giving high fives, or sharing the joke of the day.

In my own quest to make mornings more bearable, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find how far even the briefest moments of connection take us. Some mornings, there’s time for my daughter to climb into bed with me for a few minutes. But when we’re running 20 minutes late, I still take the time to enter her room slowly, greet her with a smile, rest my hand on her shoulder, and look her in the eye while I say, “Good morning. How did you sleep?” It turns out, I don’t have time not to. 

Find Pam Moore at pam-moore.com.