By Shannon Carpenter

Welcome to all the parents who have given their all over the last year. We’d like to give a special shout-out to last year’s Lifetime Achievement Award winner, Mrs. Sara O’Conner, who still has money in her bank account, even though she is raising two teenage boys who never stop eating.

2023 was full of ups and downs. Full of late-night homework assignments and missed bus rides. And, of course, missing pots and pans because someone needed them for a craft project. 2024 promises to be a very special year indeed, and we hope that you find those pots and pans. But let’s celebrate last year and the accomplishments of our honored assembled.

The Ironman Sickness Award Winner: Abby Hendricks. On July 21, 2023, Mrs. Hendricks dealt with a sick toddler, while sick herself. All the while she was still able to do the laundry, get the financial reports in at her job, and even remembered to get the birthday gift for her husband’s third cousin once removed.

The Immovable Boulder Award: Winner: Jessica Morse. Mrs. Morse was able to go to the bathroom and keep the door shut despite the onslaught that followed. She found the resolve to not answer the question “What are you doing in there?” from her two-year-old.

The Impossible Sock Award: Winner: Michael Rohm. Despite doing battle and an injury to his left eye, Mr. Rohm did indeed get a sock on his toddler.

The Nike “Just Find It” Award: Winner: Allison Harris. Ms. Harris was able to retrieve the one shoe that her daughter left in the hotel during day two of the family vacation. How did she even leave the hotel with one shoe? The shoe was located behind a vending machine.

The Excellence in Minecraft Award: Winner: Noelle Diop. Does Mrs. Diop enjoy video games? No, she does not. Has she watched countless hours of YouTube videos just so she can understand what her son is saying? Also no. But has she watched her son play and encouraged him? Yes. Yes, she has. Hours that she will never get back.

The Tony Robbins Motivational Award: Winner: John Batt. Mr. Batt was able to motivate his 13-year-old daughter to put on a jacket when it was -22 degrees outside. She said she was fine with a T-shirt. She was not.

The Duolingo Teen Linguistic Award: Winner: Lupita McCoy. Mrs. McCoy successfully yeeted her way through the language barrier between adults and teens. Her outfit slapped, she was lowkey, and enjoyed sipping tea (gossiping) with her daughter. When asked if she understood anything that was said, Mrs. McCoy answered “bet.” It is unclear if that is a yes.

The Jolly Green Giant Award: Winner: Madison Curry. For the last 18 years, Mrs. Curry has been able to sneak healthy and “super gross” vegetables into her kid’s meals. From pureed spinach hidden in a cheese quesadilla to diced mushrooms strategically placed in hamburger patties, Mrs. Curry’s perseverance to ensure that her family grows up healthy and happy is an inspiration to us all.

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad manual.