By Shannon Carpenter

Fellow inflation-starved parents, we all know that grocery prices have increased to the point that stores offer complementary counseling before check-out. Meditation rooms have been added near the meat. Anger management courses are offered by dieticians. 

And with Easter, that means it’s time to drop a fortune on eggs so that our children can laugh away their college savings plan. When did eggs get so expensive? Are scrambled eggs now the equivalent of lobster covered by caviar? 

But we can adjust, because we are parents. We are the people who can make a last-minute Halloween costume out of a garbage sack, a hair tie, and a permanent marker. We do science projects at midnight like it’s our job. And we can stretch a grocery budget like it’s the ropes of the boxing ring we never seem to be able to leave. 

So, what things can we decorate that are more economical than a dozen eggs?  

Rocks from abandoned kids’ aquariums – It’s ok to admit that at one point in time, your kid asked for a fish. And that meant a fish tank. After the fifth fish that didn’t make it, the project was abandoned and you moved on to hamsters, guinea pigs, or some sort of other rodent. But that aquarium is still in the garage, and in it, there are probably some rocks. A plus if they are still covered in moss and mold. Green is a great color for Easter! Just dig them out, give your kids a shot of penicillin, and get decorating! Even if they get sick, the cost of a hospital bill is still lower than a carton of eggs. 

Styrofoam peanuts from your last Amazon delivery – Never again feel guilty about ordering everything right to your door. Those packing peanuts now have a better use other than stuffing them into threadbare blankets to keep you warm and lowering your energy bills. Now they are Easter Packing Peanuts and that makes them special. Note: They might dissolve when dunked in coloring and vinegar; use crayons instead! 

Turtle eggs – Illegal? Absolutely. But you can do a nickel in the pen where someone else cooks for you, beds are always made, and solitary sounds like nice alone time. 

1995 Ford Focus – Used car prices are insane, but not as crazy as egg prices. Better yet, find yourself a …

DeLorean – Grab whatever old plutonium you can find, place it in Doc Brown’s amazing time traveling car, and go back to when eggs weren’t so expensive. 

Gold bullion – You see gold advertised on all the late-night channels as you are up once again trying to calm the little ones. They will probably give you a discount when you buy in bulk. 

Happy Easter and happy decorating (anything but eggs)!

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father.