Apr 03, 2016 12:00AM
By Holly Hester
Moms don’t have to sit idly by on April Fools’ Day while their children play annoying pranks on them. I think it’s high time to turn the tables on those ankle biters! So here are a few suggestions to get the ball rolling in your house. These pranks are guaranteed to take your children by surprise and possibly even make them hide from you on the first day of April for the rest of your life.
- Have a tea party with your children and bestow upon them the honor of being the servers. When they pour you a cup of tea, immediately start crying and telling them they poured the tea in the wrong cup. When your children try to remedy the situation by pouring tea in a new cup, only cry harder. Finally, rub some scones in your hair and scream, “No, I do not need a nap!” By the time you shout, “April Fools! I am not a toddler!” everyone should be in tears.
- Prank 1 - Tell your child that school has been canceled and they never have to go again. As soon as your child starts rejoicing, yell “April Fools! You’re actually going to be in school for the next 18–21 years and after that it’s straight into a five-day-a-week soul-sucking job!”
- Prank 2 - Convince your preschooler that there has been a horrible gas leak and the only way to avoid being poisoned is to take a bath and eat a bunch of vegetables. If this prank works, never reveal that it’s April Fools. Just continue with the prank until college.
- Kids at this age love pranks. You might as well take advantage of it while you can and short-sheet the bed, or fill their Oreos with white toothpaste and the toothpaste tube with mustard. But be warned—they will prank back, and their pranks will be completely random and terrifying and make you wonder how you gave birth to the spawn of the devil.
- Create a flyer that says, “Mom dance-a-thon! Come watch your mom shake her stuff!” Use the address of your child’s school as the location of the dance-a-thon. As you stick the flyer on the fridge, make sure you’re wearing a glittery unitard and cattail. Only shout “April Fools!” after you’ve been able to practice your slick moves in front of your middle schooler’s friends.
- Prank 1 - Tell your teenager that you can’t really afford to send them to college. As their face drains of color and their future evaporates, shout “April Fools!” (Then quickly scramble to come up with a way to afford to send them to college.)
- Prank 2 - Fill the house with kegs of beer, and then tell your teenager that you’re going out of town for the weekend, and they are welcome to have a party. Once they’ve texted all their friends, shout “April Fools! I’m actually having a grown-up party for once in my life, and you’re staying at Grandma’s! She just had cataract surgery, and she needs help taking a shower.”
Then put on your unitard and cattail, crack open a cold one, and call all your mom-friends. It’s April Fools’ party time.
Holly Hester lives in Sebastopol and writes about life on her blog, Riot Ranch. Find her book, Escape from Ugly Mom Island!, on Amazon.