By Cheryl Maguire

Long before your “mom days,” you probably dined by candlelight in some swanky restaurant on Valentine’s Day. Now that you’ve given birth to sweet little munchkins, your “romantic” meal is more likely to involve spit-up or chicken nuggets. And your lips, instead of puckering up for kisses, are probably gearing up to say stuff like this:

1. Thank God this holiday doesn’t involve Santas, fairies, leprechauns, or any other magical night creatures. I’m not sure who came up with the brilliant idea of having magical beings visit kids at night, but I can guarantee it wasn’t a mom. At night, moms are counting down the seconds until they can go to sleep. The last thing on a mom’s mind is remembering to retrieve a tooth or paint green leprechaun footprints on the floor. So please don’t create a magical cupid that comes in the night. We already have more magic than Harry Potter at our house. Thanks, but no thanks.

2. I just need about ten more hours on Pinterest to find the perfect Valentine’s Day craft, cupcake, and card. Pinterest is a black hole that will suck all of the hours out of your day. Just when you think you’ve found the perfect craft, cupcake, or card to replicate for the 25 kids in your child’s class, you’ll see another one—and then another one and another one. Before you know it, the whole day will be gone and you still won’t have picked up a glue gun or spatula.

3. I know you already have five Valentine’s Day t-shirts, but I couldn’t resist buying another one. Valentine’s Day kid shirts are adorable. And let’s face it: Teens aren’t going to let you dress them up in a “Love-a-saurus” dinosaur shirt. So dress up your younger ones while you still can. Some of my favorites are “More Spice than Sugar,” “I Choo-Choo Choose You,” and “You Have a Pizza of My Heart.”

4. Rose are red, violets are blue, I’ll give you some candy if you go number 2—in the potty this time. Oh, the joys of potty training on Valentine’s Day! Enough said.

5. Since I wrote all 25 of your Valentine’s Day cards, I think it’s fair to get half of your candy. Not only do you have to write each kid’s name on a valentine, but also you have to lick each envelope and put a candy or sticker on it. If you are lucky enough to have three kids, you’ll have to address and seal 75 cards. Surely all this work warrants at least half of the candy loot, if not more—actually 60/40 is probably a fairer cut. Once a confiscated Hershey kiss starts melting in your mouth, your hand cramp may even go away—until next year.  

Find Cheryl Maguire on Twitter @CherylMaguire05.