By Kim John Payne with Luis Fernando Llosa

I (Kim John Payne) have received countless calls from distressed parents despairing at the emotional toll teasing and exclusion have taken on their child. They ask questions such as “Can you help us give our son more confidence to join in?” or “Is there a way I can coach my daughter to stand up for herself?” Understandably they desperately seek the tools to deal directly with their child’s problems. But before I talk about tools and strategy, I always say, “First we need to explore your family’s pace of life to see if we need to dial things back a bit.”

There is little sense in pouring more water into a cup that is already overflowing. Sure, we can come up with commonsense strategies to help ease the teasing. But if life is moving too fast for the child—with too many activities and too little time to decompress—the tactics will not have a container to hold them. All that effort will become spillage and may well increase the child’s feeling of hopelessness. The question becomes, do we want to spend our time mopping up the spill or simply put our hand on the tap and turn down the flow? My book Simplicity Parenting provides detailed strategies for dialing back the frenetic pace of family life. Here, in brief, are three strategies that will help strengthen your child’s emotional resilience so that they can better face and overcome teasing, exclusion, or bullying.

1. Increasing Rhythm and Predictability In a child’s school life, transitions (arrival, departure, class change-overs) and recess are the times when teasing and other social confrontations are most likely to occur. They are also the times that are most changeable and socially unpredictable. There is really nothing that a parent can do about what happens in school because it’s outside our control. But we can counterbalance that instability by making extra efforts to create a home life that is as secure and predictable as possible. It’s important to know the big daily rhythms that provide the “when” things happen and the little rituals that give the “how” they are done. This creates a sense of security, allowing a child’s nervous system to relax and revive. And its importance cannot be overstated.

2. Dialing Back After-School and Weekend Activities Children who struggle socially need extra time to decompress. Cutting back on the number of play dates, after-school clubs, and weekend activities they are involved in will help alleviate their anxiety. One shouldn’t stop everything, of course. Your child can remain involved in some activities that boost their self-esteem. But concentrating more on family-based pursuits (such as games, hikes, and home-centered projects) can have a calming, comforting effect. If they are used to a fast-paced life, they may initially complain that they have nothing to do. But boredom can be a gift. As they experience more downtime, children will search for things to do. And they will likely become more innovative and creative out of necessity. Becoming involved in here (at home), where it is safe and relaxing, is just what they need when they are not being seen or treated well out there in school, where there is a lot of social pressure.

3. Filtering Adult Information We should moderate and filter what we say in front of kids, especially when they are being teased or excluded. Our children want us to acknowledge the social difficulties they are going through and may, of their own accord, bring them up. But we shouldn’t broach the topic repeatedly ourselves. Every time these stressful situations are discussed, our children relive them emotionally. They re-experience the release of adrenaline and cortisol (the fight-or-flight hormones). We want home to be a sanctuary where they can seek support and relief. So try to keep things light and fun. You can check in with your child from time to time and let them know they can always speak to you about how things are going, but take care not to process your emotions and worries about their social woes in front of your child.  

Excerpted, with permission, from Emotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion by Kim John Payne, MEd, and Luis Fernando Llosa (Shambhala, 2022).

Kim John Payne, MEd, has been a counselor, educator, consultant, and researcher for more than 30 years and is the author of the widely acclaimed book Simplicity Parenting, as well as The Soul of Discipline, and Games Children Play II. 

Luis Fernando Llosa is an award-winning Peruvian-American sports-writer, speaker, investigative reporter, and youth sports consultant who has coached kids and teens for 25 years.