Skip to main content

Sonoma Family Life Magazine

Care and Feeding of the Exhausted Parent

By Shannon Carpenter

Whether in the office full time, at-home full time, or somewhere in the anxiety-inducing middle, caring for your Exhausted Parent (subspecies: Exhaustedus Parentis) is a big responsibility for any toddler. Like any pet, they require plenty of dedication, extra helpings of love, and the occasional glass of wine. 

Habitat The Exhausted Parent requires a personal-space enclosure, at least ten by ten, which can be invaded constantly. This space should also have plenty of room for a couch with ripped cushions, a carpet with mystery stains, and thick dust (because who has time to clean anymore?). Feel free to further decorate the habitat with half-eaten sticky candy that is glued onto various surfaces. 

Feeding A varied diet is one of the biggest challenges in properly taking care of an Exhausted Parent. Healthy options such as greens, proteins, and nachos should be part of their regular diet. The occasional beverage that has some sort of umbrella attached may also be included. 

Environmental Enrichment The Exhausted Parent has a very full and busy life; therefore, it is imperative that their owners give special attention to mental health. A sensory deprivation tank will give them a chance to forget about their bills for a day. If such a tank is too pricey at the moment because college costs keep rising, you may also fill the bathtub with warm water and provide them with cheesecake. 

Socialization The big, wide world can be quite scary for the Exhausted Parent. If they’ve spent too much time on social media, they may be timid and refuse to set foot outside the house. Although it’s natural for many Exhausted Parents to be introverted by nature, total seclusion is not recommended. Set up regular playdates for your Exhausted Parent so that they may learn how to talk to other Exhausted Parents about diaper rash. 

Should you notice that your Exhausted Parent is becoming aggressive with others, give a quick pull on their leash and redirect their energy to a positive interaction, such as watching The Great British Baking Show

Health Tips From time to time, your clumsy Exhausted will have nasty little bumps into inflation that will cause their bank account to bleed. Don’t worry, this happens to all Exhausted Parents, especially when they see their energy and grocery bills. 

To treat, wrap them in a warm weighted blanket and give them plenty of hugs. Occasionally kiss their bumps and bruises and let them know that everything will get easier. Should they require more care, take them to a beach and administer Pina Coladas as needed. 

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist, co-host of The Dadhouse Pod, and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual (Penguin, 2021). He has appeared on Good Morning America, CNN, and in the Washington Post and US News and World Report. As the father of three, you can often find him staring into the abyss as he tries to figure out how he’s going to pay for his kids’ college.