By Shannon Carpenter

Every profession has its own vernacular, the way that they talk with people “in the know.” For example, physicists use phrases such as “don’t touch that button or you’ll kill us all.” It’s no different with parents. 

Here are some simple terms: 

Blowouts: when a diaper cannot hold the absolute lava flow of baby poop and erupts like when Gallagher smashes a watermelon. 

Trunking: when Dad changes the baby’s diaper in the trunk of your 1993 Lincoln because there is no changing table in the men’s room. Used in a sentence: John can’t be here right now. He’s out front, trunking.

Bullseye: when changing a boy and you forget to put the diaper on his front as you take the old one off, and he gets you right in the face.

Chicken Fried: can refer to both nuggets and your nerves after too many blowouts that occur when trunking.

Pretty easy, right? So, let’s go deeper:

Here’s Johnny: when a parent hides in the bathroom and a toddler is trying to break down the door. 

Laundry Sherping: when you have to hire a guide to climb all the laundry piles even though you do 25 loads a day.

Nuggetpalooza: the only thing your kid will eat.

Fancy Nuggetpalooza: nuggets that come in the shape of a dinosaur.

Power Nap Battle: the ability to take a quick nap while a Hot Wheels car is hitting you in the face.

Inside Voices: still screaming but inside.

Now we’re going to get really deep into the weeds:

Barbie Surprise: when one of the kids threw a Barbie in the air fryer without you noticing it, and then you ran the fryer for 15 minutes at 350°F. You still serve the Barbie-dinner, though, rather than cook yet another meal. 

Retirement Plan: hoping that your kids will build a shed in their backyard that you can live in, next to the lawn mower.

The Robinson Crusoe: when the week has been so hard that you wonder how you can get shipwrecked for about a month.

Getting Banksy’ed: when permanent makers are really, really permanent, and you consider cutting the sheetrock to sell it for millions because your little one is a genius.

Game of Thrones: any adult show that is not Disney-affiliated and has at least one swear word.

Transfer of Power: when you can transfer a napping child from the car to the crib without waking them up. More legend than fact, it only happens once a century or so.

A Metal Lullaby: to keep your sanity, you sing lullabies based on Metallica and Rage Against the Machine because you can’t take “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” anymore.

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist, co-host of The Dadhouse Pod, and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual (Penguin, 2021).