By Shannon Carpenter

When Dad loads up the family and gets behind the wheel of the family automobile any time between June and August, you can bet his sites are set on the all-American summer road trip. Like Chevy Chase in the classic 80’s film National Lampoon’s Vacation, Dad has certain expectations that undoubtedly will not be met. Nevertheless, he will hold on to hope that the following rules will lead to an unforgettable experience (especially for him)!

1. We will make good time. 

2. We will make good mileage.

3. We will make good sandwiches. 

4. Content that will be allowed on the radio: Talk radio with concerning views, books on tape but only if they pertain to the Civil War, and grunge music. 

5. Content that will not be allowed on the radio: Any artist whose name sounds like a verb or a swear word to his delicate ears. Examples include Dua Lipa, Ginuwine, Doja Cat. (Yes, Dad had to Google those names.) 

6. It is the responsibility of the children to make sure the tire pressure stays EXACTLY at 32PSI and this must be checked at EVERY rest stop. 

7. We get there when we get there. 

8. We will stop at any and every sign that declares that something important once happened at this location. Wagon ruts from the Oregon trail? Stopping. A dog that died building the Hoover Dam. 100 percent stopping. The Home of Sliced Bread? Absolutely will be stopping. Even if we’ve already visited a “world famous” site? Let’s do it again. 

9. Dry saltine crackers are a great snack. 

10. If we don’t use air conditioning, we will save on gas. Use your sweat to cool you off, just like Dad did when he was a kid! 

11. We will not pack name-brand soda. You will drink your Shasta and like it! 

12. The minivan is not overheating, it’s just breathing violently. Turning the radio up is a solution.

13. When Dad shares a pointless story about childhood and how hard it was because the internets didn’t exist and kids had to play outside and knew the value of hard work and there was a hill that had snow on it … just nod along like you’ve not heard it before. 

14. Dad is not napping. He’s just resting his eyes for a bit. While driving. Let’s stop for coffee. 

15. When we stop at a roadside fruit stand, yes, we will spend an hour talking to the proprietors. Get comfortable, this is going to be an interesting conversation about fertilizer. 

16. The car game we will play, and the only one we will play, is “Hey kids, how long do you think it took them to build this random bridge?” 

17. You will have a single dollar to spend on souvenirs. 

18. We will eat in a sit-down restaurant only once. And when we do, you can only order water. 

19. Don’t touch that. 

20. If at all possible, don’t tell Mom.

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father.