By Josette Sullins

Being hypersensitive when talking about violent and/or traumatic events — like school shootings — with children is beneficial. As parents, our natural instincts are activated to protect, and creating that safe space for communication with our children begins within. 

Start with an inventory of your own mental health. Having a personal time out with yourself to feel and let some of the gut-wrenching emotions process is important. Take the time needed to find clarity on what you actually want to relay. If need be, take a walk, journal, or listen to calming music. Being centered and as calm as possible prior to discussing a sensitive topic with anyone, especially our children, is important. Your child’s emotions and their need for comfort play a role in how involved the conversation will be. Pay attention to their cues.

Creating a safe place and time for open communication with your child and possibly getting professional guidance can help in this area. Because children are unique in age, life experiences, social, emotional, and mental development, professional advice helps us address topics or occurrences of violence at the appropriate level.

Symptomology occurring from even vicarious trauma can have damaging effects regardless of the age of the child. Any type of overstimulation has an effect on children which may cause developmental delays. Being exposed in any way including vicariously to violence can cause trauma, PTSD, behavioral disorders, and some scholars are even discussing possible moral injuries. 

When there is trauma or overstimulation, our survival instincts may be activated. Making sure your child’s needs are met, routines are kept, and they are comfortable you can aid in their feeling safe. Assist them in being able to find some sort of calm happy space at home, in the car, and in public.

Professional help is always recommended for any child who has been exposed to acts of violence. There are countless factors that play into a child’s mental health, safety, and well-being that are taken into consideration by a trained professional. Children do not always show signs of distress right away. Sometimes grown children will share times when, at a very young age, they did not feel safe or supported, or suffered immensely without the knowledge of their parents.

Reaching out for professional help for yourself is also an option. Children take their first cues from parents on how to interact and receive information. The more traumatized we feel in communicating the event and topic, the more likely our children will be from hearing it. The more trauma-informed communication style we have as parents, the better our children will be able to receive the information, and the greater likelihood they will feel safe to respond and ask questions about an event. Applying the same safe space you created for your children for yourself is equally beneficial.

Realize that you do not have to respond immediately to your children’s questions or have all, if any, of the answers. Being real and stating you need more time to calm down, think about their questions, or get professional advice, gives you and your child the opportunity to take a step back to process. It allows for an honest, safe, and comfortable pace and atmosphere.

Ignoring the topic, minimizing the impact, or not foreseeing the aftermath are not options. Trauma, PTSD, depression, and other behavioral health disorders do not commonly fade or go away by themselves.  They may lie dormant for a years and are likely to surface during teenage years to early adulthood.

As a parent, it is important to realize the growing need for mental health check ins, self-care days, and open conversations throughout children’s development. It is also equally important to realize and care for your own mental health.

Normalizing mental health not only lets go of the stigmas around the topic but can lead to healthier relationships and a more rewarding life. Mental health is becoming the new buzz word for self-care. Teaching and supporting healthy-care is essential to well-being.

Josette Sullins is CEO of dehp Therapeutics licensed integrated clinics, dIT creator and dehp coach.