By Gina Rich

Even when my kids are too ill for school, they somehow have enough spunk to whine constantly, taking occasional breaks to bicker over toys that neither has played with in months.

Despite the best intentions of handling each illness with grace, the truth is after a day (or maybe an hour) of playing nurse to cranky, stir-crazy children, I generally start to lose it. If you can relate, simply refer to the handy schedule below …

6:30 a.m.: Brew lots of coffee. You’ve probably been up at least once during the night with a feverish, crying, or vomiting child. Throw a lid on that caffeinated nectar of the gods. You can look forward to your first sip approximately four hours from now.

8:30 a.m.: If your child is in the mood to eat, lovingly prepare them a vitamin-packed, nutrient-rich smoothie. Artfully serve the drink with a beautifully cut strawberry garnish. Then sob silently when your child takes one sip and says, “This is disgusting! I want goldfish crackers/the Christmas candy I stashed under my bed when you weren’t looking.”

11 a.m.: Time for arts and crafts! You may need to negotiate the return of your phone or laptop from the germ-infested clutches of your patient. After the screaming subsides, scour Pinterest for the most complex project you can find. Painstakingly assemble supplies, making sure huge amounts of glitter are available. Sit on the floor with your lukewarm coffee and watch your child make a giant mess. Bonus points if more than one kid is home sick and you get to listen to them squabble over paintbrushes and glue sticks.

12:30 p.m.: Lunchtime already? After preparing them a meal destined for the garbage disposal, gulp down the soggy half-eaten remains of your child’s breakfast waffle. Don’t worry about avoiding your kid’s germs, since it’s a proven fact that not even a full body hazmat suit will prevent you from getting sick later.

2 p.m.: Ideally, your child will nap and let you get some rest, catch up on work, or tackle some household projects. (Ha! Sometimes I really crack myself up.) Should you miraculously get down time, go ahead and text or call friends whose kids are also home sick. Misery loves company.

3:30 p.m.: If you’ve avoided using screens so far, you’re superhuman and should probably be photographed and honored on some intergalactic parenting wall of fame. Otherwise, collapse back on the couch for another round of Disney Jr.

7 p.m.: With luck, another adult is home to relieve you to drown your frazzled nerves in a glass of wine or an IV drip of your favorite chocolate. The rest of the evening will be a blur, but plan to pass out with your kid right after dinner. In fact, I better go lie down now; I feel a sniffle coming on. 

Gina Rich lives in Wisconsin, where she writes about parenting, health, and the natural world for publications including the Washington Post, Notre Dame Magazine, and others.