By Tessa Henry

Homeschooling was never my plan. I’ve always supported public schools to provide free education for all. Not only that, I work full-time and couldn’t imagine choosing, organizing, and teaching curriculums organized into daily schedules. Enter my family’s COVID-19-inspired “independent study” in 2020 consisting of my kids learning through playing all day. We rolled with it.

I knew that at ages 4 and 6 they were learning all the time, just not in the way that the school system categorizes and measures. Often when I suggested activities that sounded fun to me, they weren’t interested. So, I decided to let them take the lead. After all, how can we really measure what’s going on in someone else’s brain? 

At home they were not being tested, assessed, judged, forced to sit, compete, or measure up to their peers. I noticed their freedom heightening in their creativity, emotional well-being, and relationship with each other. When it was time to return my 6-year-old to the rigor within the walls of the classroom so she could get “back on track” as they say, it was clear that we were already on a different path. 

To understand more about the way we learn and to research ideas about alternatives to conventional education I read Free to Learn by Peter Gray, Raising Free People: Unschooling as Liberation and Healing Work by Akilah Richards, and Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent by Iris Chen. These authors validated my intuition that told me we can be free to learn; especially in our youth when we are allowed to follow our own interests. In fact, putting pressure on someone to learn something at a certain time could be debilitating or even traumatizing. 

I was sure I didn’t want to recreate any harmful educational traits at home and immediately felt alignment with “unschooling” aka “self-directed education” aka “learning through life.” A resource that became one of my greatest supports and inspiration initially and still today is the Alliance for Self-Directed Education, ASDE. 

On its website, ASDE defines self-directed education as “education that derives from the self-chosen activities and life experiences of the learner whether or not those activities were chosen deliberately for the chosen purpose of education.” If interested in learning more, visit the ASDE website for a more detailed definition as well as many resources.

As I reflect on my five years of learning outside the conventional school system with my now 10- and 12-year-olds, I believe attention in these three areas has benefited my family’s educational journey the most:

• Deschooling myself and my partner: Unlearning the idea that schooling (scores, hierarchy, standardization, perfection, obedience, production …) is equivalent to learning/success. Shedding the feeling that we need to constantly measure up to what someone or something else expects us to be. Podcasts and workshops have helped me with this.

• Trust and connection with my young people: Mutual respect with our children, builds trust and connection. There is no, “because I said so.” Honoring children rather than shaming them. Speaking to them like I would any other person I honor and respect. This practice removes conflicts that adult domination and control often fuel and supports confident, empathetic, communicative, and curious young people. 

• Being active participants in our community: We practice reciprocity by giving back to the community we live in. Over the years we have built relationships with community organizations, librarians, coaches, and activists who have taught us so much about current events, ourselves, and how we can be active participants in shaping our own futures. We keep an eye out for local volunteering and education opportunities that feed the soul and mind simultaneously. 

If conventional education feels misaligned for you and your children, please know that there are other paths and you are not alone! 

Tessa Henry has found a community at KindKin Collective, the only Self-Directed Learning Center in the North Bay, located right in Sebastopol. Follow on instagram: @kindkincollective.